I'm a 2-year married American to a Filipina woman. I'm asking to understand, not to start an argument, though I'm a bit afraid I already know the answer... My wife rarely starts a conversation unless it's something necessary, let alone sharing rambling thoughts or feelings. I, on the other hand, believe communication is important for maintaining interest and mutual understanding, and I see it as the foundation of a happy marriage.
She only does this with me. When she's with friends or family, she actively joins conversations, but since they're mostly in Tagalog, I can't join in. This isn't tampo (sulking); it's always like this. When I speak to her, she answers in a word or two, giving the signal that she has nothing more to add.
Is this cultural, or is it a red flag, as it looks to me?
My fiancée talks non-stop to me, and I don't mind it. I'd need more context before drawing a conclusion here... Is communicating in English so hard for her that it gives you a nosebleed? Does she show affection in other ways even if she doesn't say it? Is she better at speaking English with other people? I think I'd just say what I feel directly. Still, if there's no effort to change things, that's a big red flag for the future. I couldn't keep a relationship like that going. That's just a roommate who sleeps with you once in a while.
Your wife has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. She sees you as weak. This is common when life is comfortable and she doesn't feel much for you. Tell her clearly that this is a problem and try to work it out. Let her know there are only two paths: this gets resolved, or you leave. You probably don't even know that divorce is possible in your country, which is why she acts up and lets you support her. You have to be willing to walk away, or she'll keep thinking you're weak. Only you can decide whether this relationship is worth saving, but from what you've described, it's probably over unless you want to stay a pushover.
I'm not a foreigner. My husband and I are both Filipino. I was like your wife. I didn't talk with my husband about the things that mattered to him. Maybe it was just me, but looking back, I didn't know how to voice my opinion without being defensive, without shutting him down, and without raising my voice. Conversations I knew would lead to arguments or tampo, I'd rather not start at all. This isn't about culture, it's a difference in personality. It might help to tell your wife how important meaningful conversation is to you. I only started speaking up more about 10 years into my marriage. My husband waited patiently for me. You could also try buying icebreaker cards and having game-style conversations with planned topics. Your wife might feel uncomfortable if you suddenly bring up something like climate change and ask her to talk about it. To figure out what needs to change, it helps to first understand where your wife is coming from. I hope things get better!
Curious, why don't you learn Tagalog? Your wife might be more comfortable speaking her native language than English. I'm Korean-American. I was born in the US and grew up speaking Korean, but I still sometimes get words mixed up or can't think of the right word, and it's frustrating enough that I just decide not to say anything at all.
What's the situation with your life insurance? Does your wife know about it?
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