Big Mike and Joy Head Back to the USA

After three years of enjoying the best expat life in the Philippines, Big Mike announced that he and Joy were heading to Cleveland for a two-week vacation.

He packed just three things.
One Hawaiian shirt.
One bottle of Tanduay.
And 180,000 pesos in cash, because he'd forgotten that America doesn't really do pesos.

The moment the plane touched down in Cleveland, Big Mike stood up before the seatbelt sign was off and shouted:

“Welcome home, baby!”
Nobody knew who he was.

Day 1
Big Mike drove straight to his old neighborhood.
He spent 45 minutes explaining to the bartender that he lived in the Philippines now.
The bartender said:
“I know, Mike. This is the fourth time I've heard it.”
Mike ordered a Bud Light.
Took a sip.
Looked at Joy.
“Honey, San Miguel is better.”
Joy realized these two weeks were going to be very long.

Day 3
Big Mike went to Walmart.
Catastrophe.
After three years of Philippine prices, Mike froze in the meat aisle holding a pack of ribeyes.

“Joy! These steaks are 42 dollars!”
“Yes, Mike.”
“FORTY-TWO US DOLLARS?!”
“Yes.”
Mike quietly put them back.
That night they ate at Jollibee.

Day 5
Mike invited 14 old Cleveland friends to a “traditional Filipino boodle fight.”
No one knew what that was.
Mike dumped rice, lumpia, pancit, shrimp and grilled pork all over the kitchen table.
His friend Gary asked:
“Where are the plates?”
Mike slapped the table.
“No plates, Gary. We're Filipino now.”
Joy whispered:
“You're from Ohio.”

Day 7
Something shifted.
Big Mike started to miss the Philippines.
He missed the tricycles.
He missed the roosters crowing at 4:17 in the morning.
He missed someone calling him “Sir Mike” every twelve minutes.
Worst of all…
Nobody in Cleveland cared that he was an American living abroad.
He tried telling a cashier:
“I actually live in Pampanga.”
The cashier said:
“Would you like a receipt?”
Mike was crushed.

Day 9
Mike went to a Filipino grocery store in Cleveland.
In eleven minutes he'd bought:
18 packs of Lucky Me noodles
6 cans of Spam
3 bottles of banana ketchup
a 25-pound sack of rice
two frozen bangus
and a karaoke machine.
Joy stared at the cart.
“Mike. We're flying BACK to the Philippines.”
Mike quietly took the rice out.

Day 11
Big Mike threw a neighborhood karaoke party.
At 10:42 PM he sang “My Way.”
At 10:49 he sang it again.
At 11:03 the neighbors called the police.
An officer showed up.
Mike explained:
“Officer, where I live this is culturally normal.”
The officer replied:
“Sir, this is Parma.”

Day 13
Mike had completely lost it.
It was 48°F outside.
He stood on the porch in shorts, Crocs and a barangay basketball jersey.
He gazed up at the gray Cleveland sky.
“Joy…”
“What?”
“I miss the carabao.”
“You don't own a carabao.”
“I know. But I miss him.”

Day 14 — The Escape
Big Mike got to Cleveland Hopkins Airport six hours early.
His luggage:
Four suitcases.
Two balikbayan boxes.
One Browns cap.
37 Slim Jims.
A Costco-size jar of peanut butter.
And one air fryer whose presence nobody could explain.
When the gate agent called boarding for the flight back toward Manila, Mike nearly cried.
Twenty-four hours later, they stepped out into the Philippine heat.
Mike took a deep breath.
Somewhere in the distance, a rooster crowed.
A tricycle blared its horn.
Someone yelled:
“Hey Joe!”

Big Mike smiled.
“Joy… we're home.”
Joy nodded.
Then she looked at the mountain of luggage.
“Mike, where's the other balikbayan box?”

Big Mike froze.
It was still in Cleveland.

Inside were his passport photocopies, six jars of Skippy…
…and the ashes of his beloved imaginary carabao.

“Carl!!”
Mike howled at the heavens.

Somewhere in Cleveland, an unattended balikbayan box sat quietly on Gary's porch.
And so ended Big Mike's Great American Vacation of 2026.

…or so everyone thought.
Because three days later…

GARY OPENED THE BOX……