A guide to indirect communication for Western expats in the Philippines

Coming from a Western country where people tend to speak fairly directly, it took me a while to adjust. I had to learn that what someone means isn't always exactly what they say.

Once I started paying more attention to the idea of indirect communication and to what was left unsaid, a lot of conversations started making much more sense.

Here's how I see indirect communication.

In the Philippines, a lot of people speak indirectly. A simple question can be a way to learn about you, test you, or ask for something without saying it outright.

That doesn't mean every question has a hidden motive. Just pay attention to what a question or statement reveals, or might imply.

“Where are you from?”
→ How much does he probably earn? Is he from a rich country?

“What do you do for work?”
→ How much does he probably earn?

“Where do you live?”
→ How much does he probably spend, and where?

“How much is your rent?”
→ How much can he afford each month?

“Do you live alone?”
→ Is he single? Does he have privacy? Can someone come over?

“How long are you staying?”
→ Is he a tourist, or someone settling down here?

“Do you have a girlfriend?”
→ Is he available?

“Have you been married before?”
→ Is he divorced? Lonely? Still supporting an ex?

“Do you have kids?”
→ Who is he already supporting? Where does his money go?

“Why did you come to the Philippines?”
→ What is he looking for? A cheaper life? A girlfriend? A wife? Did he just get divorced?

Be careful with this one. Some guys answer by revealing every weak spot they have.

“My divorce destroyed me.”

“I was lonely.”

“Women back home are all like this and that.”

“I want a traditional woman.”

Now someone you just met knows exactly what you want.

Compliments work the same way

“You're so handsome.”
→ How much does praise sway him? Is he easy to manipulate?

“You look so young.”
→ Does he like being flattered? Is he easy to manipulate?

“You're different from other foreigners.”
→ Does feeling special make him trust faster?

“You're such a good man.”
→ Does praise make him more willing to help?

“You're so generous.”
→ Will he keep spending?

The compliment may be sincere. That's not the point. Your reaction tells the other person what works on you.

Requests can be indirect too

“My phone broke.”
→ Will he offer to buy a new one?

“My mom is sick.”
→ Will he offer to help with medicine or hospital bills?

“My electric bill is due tomorrow.”
→ Will he offer money?

“I haven't eaten yet.”
→ Will he offer to buy food?

“My birthday is next week.”
→ Will he remember? Will he buy something?

“I really want that phone.”
→ Will he offer to buy it?

Nobody has to say “Give me money.”

Sometimes putting the problem in front of you is the request itself. That doesn't mean the problem is fake. Indirect communication isn't the same as lying.

“No” can be indirect too

“Next time.”
→ Usually means no.

“Maybe.”
→ Usually means probably not.

“We'll see.”
→ Don't take it as a yes.

“I'll try.”
→ Usually means I probably can't.

“It's okay.”
→ Usually means I'm upset but don't want to fight.

“Up to you.”
→ Usually means I have a preference and want you to guess it.

“It's a bit expensive.”
→ Usually means it's way too expensive.

Family talk can carry another message

“My family wants to meet you.”
→ How serious is he?

“My family likes you.”
→ He's becoming part of the family.

“Family is really important to me.”
→ If this gets serious, the family may become part of his life too, money included.

The main lesson is simple.

Listen for what people say or ask without saying it outright.

Ask yourself:

What did this question just tell them about me?

How much do they now think I earn, have or spend?

Are they asking for something without asking directly?

Are they saying no without saying no?

Are they testing how I react to praise, money, guilt or pressure?

You don't need to become paranoid. Sometimes a question is just a question. A compliment can be sincere. A sick parent can really be sick. Just learn to hear the message behind the words and weigh what the bigger picture might be.