How long would you wait for a long-distance partner who keeps asking you to be patient?
I'm in my 40s, and I've been in a long-distance relationship with my American boyfriend, who's in his 60s, for two years. The last time we met in person was more than two years ago.
Now he's talking about coming back to the Philippines to stay for at least a year, but he's still working in the US, so honestly I don't know how he'll make that happen. There's no set timeline either.
What frustrates me is that he seems busier now than when he was working two jobs. We still talk regularly, but lately I feel emotionally distant. I don't feel like I'm getting the emotional support I need from this relationship.
Every time I ask when he's coming back, he asks me, “Why can't you wait?”
I'm getting worn out, but I don't want to give up easily either. I was single for a long time before I met him, and I really hoped he'd be the one.
I'm in my 40s, and although I still look young for my age, I don't want to spend the rest of my good years waiting for a future that may or may not come.
For those who've been in a similar situation, how long would you wait? At what point would you stop waiting and choose yourself?
Sorry, I can't answer your question, but I'll ask you a few. How is he going to support himself there if he can barely afford life here? I'm assuming he can barely afford it because he says he wants to visit but hasn't managed to. Or maybe he has commitments in the US. Married? Long-distance relationships are hard, and without goals and timelines they're harder. If a man really wants a relationship, he'll do everything in his power to make it happen.
Sounds like he's stringing you along
In my opinion, a long-distance relationship only works if you have a clear plan to be together and you both have the desire and will to endure it. He may be asking you to wait, but could he be hoping for, or looking for, something better to come along? Everyone in this sub will want to know whether he sends you money. That's between the two of you.
I can relate to this. I was also in a long-distance relationship with an American. We'd known each other for almost four years and were together for more than two. We're both in our 30s and he's four years older than me, so our situation is quite different from yours, with your 20-year gap and possibly different stages of life. In the end I chose to break up with him, not because I stopped loving him, but because I had to choose, love and protect myself a little more. Being in a relationship where the future stays uncertain is emotionally exhausting. I understand the sunk cost fallacy too. You start asking yourself, “How much longer can I wait? Should I give it more time because of everything we've invested, or should I face the fear of starting over?” What I learned is that love and patience alone aren't enough. Both people need to be equally committed to building a future together, with a realistic plan to close the distance. My advice is to have an honest conversation about your expectations and the timeline. Don't let the years you've already invested become the only reason you keep waiting. Sometimes choosing yourself doesn't mean you love the other person any less. It just means you've finally decided to love yourself a little more.
This looks bleak to me, given the 20-year gap and how old he is. He's in a situation where he has nothing to lose. At some point he might be looking for a free caregiver. You need to think about what you want from this relationship.
Sounds like your hope is overriding your good sense.
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