Not sure if this is an angry rant, but I'm really disappointed and I need to get it off my chest.
Hi everyone. I'm not an expat, but I really like this subreddit because the answers here are practical and realistic, so here I am.. I'm a Filipina. I know.... Lord, good luck to my DMs
Anyway, here goes..
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just bad at picking people. Or maybe I'm the problem? Haha
I think I know myself pretty well. I know what I want, what I need, and what my weaknesses and strengths are. I know my attachment style too, which is probably why I'm so picky with men. It's not like I have a long list of material requirements or expect someone to be millionaire-rich $$$.
I just want someone who puts in as much effort as I do. Not in a transactional way, though. I don't want to keep score. I just want to feel that someone genuinely wants me in their life and has chosen to make room for me. And above all, someone patient and understanding.
So why foreign men? Why here? Well, I used to be in a long-distance relationship with an American guy. At least in my mind, the goal was always to close the distance someday. But in the three years we were together, it never happened. He was always focused on his work and his own goals, and sometimes I honestly wondered why he wanted a relationship in the first place if he wasn't even going to think about how I fit into his life.
Three years together. No gifts, no celebrations, nothing. And he wasn't broke. Not at all. He was thoughtful and sweet at first... but eventually he just got bad.
Yes, sometimes I wondered if he was married, but this girl has some investigative skills, so I eventually figured out that wasn't it at all.
He was the breadwinner of his family, though. Funny thing — I used to think being the breadwinner was mostly a Filipino thing, but apparently it's not just us.
I understood his financial responsibilities. I wasn't financially ready to close the distance either, so I didn't expect him to magically fix everything. But over time he became distant and rude, and I stopped feeling emotionally safe in the relationship. Eventually I had to accept that whatever we had wasn't giving me what I needed anymore.
Then about four months later, I met another guy. American again (but Asian-American)
This time it wasn't love bombing or someone showering me with compliments and promises. It was the mental stimulation of our conversations. We could jump from something ridiculous to something philosophical and somehow stay hooked on each other. I was careful because I knew I could get attached, so I tried not to get ahead of myself.
He eventually came to the Philippines, and I thought we could finally meet and see where things went. But we didn't. Things got complicated, and I later found out he'd been in a relationship when we got involved.
It hurt. A lot. It still lingers. The pain
I found out on my own, and I wish he had told me himself. I feel guilty and dirty. I'm really embarrassed about this whole situation.
I'm Filipino, and one reason I've hesitated to date Filipino men is the law around marriage here. Most marriages can't end in divorce, and annulment is expensive and complicated. The thought of being legally tied to someone who might later cheat, turn abusive, or just turn out not to be who I thought they were genuinely scares me.
I'm not saying foreign men are automatically better. As you can see, my own experiences aren't exactly a success story. LOL. People can disappoint you no matter their nationality.
I guess I thought someone from another country would see relationships in a better or different way, or that distance would make people more deliberate about choosing each other. But distance doesn't guarantee commitment, and good conversation doesn't mean someone is ready to build a life with you.
So now I'm wondering whether I'm good at recognizing what I want but terrible at picking people who can give it to me.
I want a relationship where both people make an effort, where I don't have to beg for consideration, and where we can talk about a future and work toward it together. I want to feel chosen, not just wanted when it's convenient. I want to build something with someone without feeling like I'm the only one wondering where it's going.
Is that really too much to ask? Or do I keep getting attached to people who can't have the kind of relationship I want?
I'm not even sure what advice I'm looking for. Maybe I just needed to vent. I'm disappointed, exhausted, and a little angry at myself for the choices I've made.
I'd really like to hear from people who've been through something similar. How do you tell someone who genuinely wants to build a future with you apart from someone who enjoys the connection but can't give you the commitment you want?
