Family debt — utang na loob
My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. She's Filipino and grew up on an island in the Philippines.
Our whole relationship, her parents and siblings have leaned on her for money. They grew up very poor. She's the eldest of four, and at 33 she's never really had her own wants or needs supported. At one point she was $2–3k in debt while also paying off her parents' car.
Even after the car was paid off ($5,600 total), the pressure didn't stop. Her parents still guilt-trip her: they're 60 and 'old,' they're disappointed she's putting the relationship first, and she should go work abroad again to earn more instead of getting ready for a husband and a child. They almost never say they're proud of her or show appreciation. Everything feels transactional. She sometimes wonders whether they want her back home so she can keep supporting them, not so she can build her own life.
She has always contributed more than her siblings. Birthdays, trips, food, gifts, cakes — she pays for it. When she visits, she gets looks that say she's expected to spend. They rarely ask about her future, interests or hobbies. Before the car, she sent home $50–$200 a month on average. The more she earns, the more the goalposts move. Once the car was done, a new need appeared. They also comment on how comfortably we live, where we go, and which restaurants we eat at.
Recently she asked if she could stay with her parents and siblings while she waits for her U.S. visa. Their answer: 'What about us? Why not get married here? Are you only with him for a visa? It's better to go overseas and make money instead.' Both parents said this, and they barely talk to her otherwise. They know I'm financially stable, and I think they're afraid that if she leaves for the U.S., we'll put ourselves first and they'll lose access to what we have.
I'm shocked and looking for perspective. Is this just Filipino culture, or an extreme island version of it?
